One of my most popular posts is this rant about how 50 people got themselves uninvited from our wedding, so here’s another rant about other wedding traditions that The Wedding Industry has made everyone feel like they have to do that we’ve just said “Dafuq? No.” to.
My dad keeps saying that spending an excessive amount of money on a wedding is just people “showing off for Facebook Likes”.
Fair point, but I think the industry itself and its clever marketers are largely to blame for so many of us feeling that need.
As if we don’t have enough pressure on us to buy more and more useless but pretty crap so that our daily lives appear Insta-perfect, as soon as we start planning to essentially promise to procreate with one human and one human alone, the most ridiculous things become the most important things ever because it’s, y’know, “your dream day“.
And of course as soon as you mention something’s for your dream day it suddenly becomes seven times the fucking price.
All I see that extra expense and planning do is put undue pressure on brides and grooms for their day to be perfect - you’ve spent enough on it so it better be the Best Day Ever.
But of course the day flies by and couples realise how stupid it was to care so much about getting that bloody chocolate fountain as half the fruit was left uneaten anyway.
Now, I accept that marriage itself is a social construct that helps government and marketers put you into a neat little box, and if you really must make it legally official wedding receptions themselves are totally unnecessary.
But dammit I want one anyway and I’ll be damned if I’m going to let Pinterest make me feel like I need to spend a vulgar amount of money that could and should be going towards our careers, house and future children.
By the way, if you’ve come here just to get offended about what wedding traditions we have and haven’t deemed to be a waste of our time, money and effort, the short version of my answer is to bore off.
The long answer is that everyone’s day and what they want it to be is different; I have no issue if it is or was really important to you to have any or all of the wedding traditions below.
In fact - and this may come as a shock, so hold onto your britches - I couldn’t care less if I tried.
My only question is if you’re that easily offended by one hobby blogger’s values in life, are you really that happy with your choices? Reeeeally?
So, if you’re only here to compare your version of an amazing day to mine and criticise my day for not being so totally weddingy enough for you, I say to you again: off you fuck.
So here are a dozen or so supposedly normal wedding traditions that we personally can’t be arsed with:
Bridal party
We make a lot of time and effort for the people we want in our lives, but we don’t have time for shit friends.
We had a group of bridesmaids and ushers in mind and for whatever reasons most of them aren’t in our lives anymore (a post in itself, perhaps?), so we’re just having my best friend as my maid of honour and right now that’s it.
Besides not having fake, fair-weather friends who only want to be part of people’s wedding photos for Facebook (as if ANYONE else cares), we’re saving a genuinely scary amount of money on suit hire, hair and makeup, buttonholes, bouquets and corsages, dresses and shoes, thank you gifts and all that other shit you’re “meant to have”.
Save The Dates, formal invitations and other tree-killing toot
We figured we’d rather create a simple wedding website than faff about with paper invites because 1) we’ve seen the agony that comes with putting 173 sections of paper and ribbon together and 2) no one keeps stuff like that anyway so literally what is the point in wasting so many resources.
Bonus: It’s really easy to uninvite shitty people if you have a wedding website - all you have to do is delete their login details… 🙂
Gift registry/asking for honeymoon donations
We had a small honeymoon section set up on the website for contributions, as is the new norm, but we’ve taken it off now.
We simply have everything we need in life and the thought of asking for more money from our closest friends and family who will have driven to the venue and paid for new outfits, hotels etc. made us feel really uncomfortable.
Not seeing the bride before the wedding/Father walking the bride down the aisle
Most of the superstitious/historical wedding traditions are too dated for us, these ones included.
We’ve decided to do First Look photos so that we can get that emotional moment on camera a bit more privately before the ceremony, where Graeme and I will then enter the room together, because #TeamThomas. *puke*.
Wedding car
- I’m getting ready on-site
- Even if I weren’t, just no
Throwing the bouquet
Do you know how long it’s taken me to source locally and sustainably grown, organic flowers for this bloody wedding?
And this new bullshit of feeling like you have to pay for a second bouquet just for tossing so you don’t mess up your actual bouquet? Fuck. No.
Favours
Let’s be honest, unless it’s those dinky bottles of booze…
Instead of agonising over trying to find something that everyone will like (impossible), we’ve made a donation to St Wilfrid’s Hospice who gave end of life care to my Nan.
First dance
As if we’re going to make 15 people watch us shuffle awkwardly in a circle.
A disco or live band, full stop
Unless the dance floor is by the bar and you have a hundred guests who are in their early twenties/booze hounds you haven’t got a hope in hell of convincing people to dance*.
Even when we were planning the day for 70 people we just wanted soft jazz music in the background for a soirée-type atmosphere.
Letting everyone catch up without The Macarena blasting in their ears sounds nice and chilled, right?
Not to Graeme’s ex-“groomsmaid”, who threatened not to come if there wasn’t going to be a disco.
Rude, immature, hurtful - take your pick.
* “Everyone danced at MY wedd-” GOOD for YOOH!
Wedding cake
I’m working through insulin resistance, Graeme’s dad is diabetic, we’re having a four-course meal with dessert…
And no one EVER* eats the cake.
* “Everyone ate the cake at MY-” YOUR CUPCAKE TOWER DOESN’T COUNT.
Other common stress-inducing, resource-wasting, bank-draining wedding traditions
- Flowers in places you wouldn’t think to look
- Signature cocktails that no one else likes
- Fucking confetti
- Signposts, bunting, vintage crockery, jam jar candles, photo booths with unflattering props, personalised campagne flutes you’ll never use again, Mr and Mrs signs all over the Top Table, chair covers with organza ribbons - the list goes on. And on. And on.
No, no, fucking no and noooo.
Honeymoon
And finally: ain’t nobody got time to be subjecting my delicate digestive system to two weeks of Thai food.
People look at us like we’re crazy when we tell them we’re not planning what is basically the most fucking expensive two-week holiday of your life. Piss off.
You may be thinking it’s a miracle I’m wearing a white dress at this rate, but hey, there are some irrational wedding traditions I refuse to let go of.
Don’t get me wrong, I love seeing all this stuff at other people’s weddings. Loads of people I know had at least half of the wedding traditions above, and of course it all looked cool and lovely and I’m sure they wouldn’t have had it any other way.
I wasn’t even against all of this stuff when we first started planning our wedding - I wanted to incorporate every single little thing with my own little twist and had huge dreams for the day.
But then you find out how much this stuff costs, how little your guests really care, and you hear about all the couples who argue over the stupidest little details.
The second that started to happen to us we realised we didn’t need any of it in the first place - it wasn’t worth the time, money or upset to us.
This day is going to be about us celebrating the fact that life has been kind enough to bring us together. It shouldn’t have to be about any more than that.
So, Wedding Industry: This is my “Up Yours” to you and the feelings of insecurity you so shamelessly and aggressively promote in the name of “tradition”.
